AUGUST 14, 2018
DEAR CALLING, I'M READY FOR YOU BABE
“YOU’LL GET TO A POINT WHERE YOU CAN’T IGNORE YOUR CALLING ANYMORE.” — ME. HA!
Yes, I’m quoting myself.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to write. Over the years though, many voices, including mine, have told me my dream was far fetched. From the parentals asking me how writing would ever make me money, to a close friend who once suggested that I should change my name in order to be more “appealing” as a writer aka hide my brown-ness. There’s always been some sort of obstacle in the road.
Inspired by objection, I took the uncertainty and used it to map out a sort of “safe” career path for myself. I made decisions about jobs based on income or worked my way around the writing thing by convincing myself that I needed to do X and Y to get to Z as opposed to just going to straight to Z—hope I haven’t lost ya. I was convinced I'd never make it even though deep down all I’ve ever wanted was to just sit in my bomb ass house with my typewriter in a room that overlooked the Tuscan hills while I banged out my third novel to Tupac’s Greatest Hits.
The other day I setup a writing session with my homie Erik and we had this same conversation. It seems to be that a lot of us (my peers) have approached our passions in circles without taking a leap of faith and just walking straight the fuck in the middle declaring: “Yo fam this is my space, I belong here and I will do this.” So the day comes where the urge to do that thing, whatever it is for you, is so strong and you can’t really ignore it any more.
I think it comes with a certain level of being able to be honest with yourself. To break away from the constructs of what society has convinced us what we should do and how we should do it. To listen to your inner voice when the world is telling you to dream smaller or not at all. The last thing I ever want to tell my (yet to exist) daughter is “Hey, go to school, get a degree, get married and be a wife for the rest of your life, the end.” Nah fam, fuck that.
At the start of this year, Vick and I decided to put ourselves as individuals first, focusing our efforts on pursuing our dreams versus making a rush decision to move in together because circumstantially, that’s what New York was forcing us to do. I feel you though, rent ain’t cheap. At the time it was hard and a huge test for our relationship but as always, hindsight does its thing and I couldn’t be more grateful to be on this path discovering what I want and making it happen with love by my side. It has taught me that self-fulfillment should be a priority, relationship or not.
It's a really different time that we live in today. The harsh truths of the world and the reality we face has definitely pushed me to seek happiness outside of the construct of capitalism. That “life is too short" bs feels more important now than ever. I’m no longer shoving my calling to the back of the shelf in the dark where no one else can see it because I need to shine my light and that’s okay—as long as I don’t get in my own way.
SO HELLO UNIVERSE, HERE THE FUCK I COME.